Saturday, May 1, 2010

So Many Questions...

*Clarification of asterisks at end of blog.

Have you ever noticed how some people always manage to look terrific? Not only that, they seem to remain assembled and intact for the better part of a day or evening. Their clothing is neat, clean, stylish and in good repair. They've shaved or plucked all stray facial hairs, their socks match, their makeup and nails are meticulous and they have salon perfect hair. These same people never have spinach, poppy seeds or other foreign objects wedged in their teeth nor do they have toilet paper stuck to their shoes or dresses tucked into their pantyhose. They could walk through the eye of a tornado and come out looking unscathed.

Sadly, I concluded long ago that I have been born without the prerequisite gene.

In the spectrum, I fall more closely toward *Pig-Pen than to *Bree Van de Kamp.

How is it possible I wonder, to leave the house feeling confident only to show up at work or at an event looking as if I've had several cats walk across my clothes, face and hair? How is it possible, to arrive at a social gathering and realize that I am wearing matching shoes but in two different colours? How is it possible to cement my hair with $10 worth of spray, gel and mousse only to discover that every photo at a function shows me to have an *Alfalfa-like fountain sprouting out of the centre of my head? How is it possible to spend double the normal time on my makeup, in this case a full 2 minutes and not notice that at least a half dozen bristles have fallen out of my makeup brush and decorated my face all day?

Then there are the days when I make it out of the house unaffected. Does dirt actually fall from the sky and land only on certain people? Is there a lint fairy that envelopes only me while I am innocently driving down the road? Am I the only one who can't drink out of the tiny slot of a take-out coffee cup without decorating the front of my shirt with unflattering brown spots? Do buttons only fall off when I'm out in public? Is it possible I haven't done them up properly in the correct holes in the first place?

Could it be that there are others like me? Could that in fact be the reason for the surge in the popularity of public pajama pant wearing? Could it be that one day soon, humans will be divided into two groups...those who get out of bed looking perfect and those who just get out of bed and don't bother? I believe I have just solved another of life's myteries. Now excuse me while I go shopping for a wardrobe of colourful flannel pj bottoms.

*Pig-Pen is the character who walks around surrounded by a dust cloud in the Charlie Brown comics.

* Bree Van de Kamp can only be described as the most "Stepford Wife" like character on the tv show "Desperate Housewives".

*Alfalfa in this case refers not to the grain, but to the character in "Lil Rascals". This group existed waaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyy before my time of course, but I am aware of them.

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